The Unwritten Rules of My Kitchen: A Public Service Announcement

Welcome. You’ve been invited into my home, and by extension, my kitchen. This is a place of joy, of chaos, and of a very specific, unspoken order. To ensure everyone’s safety and continued good health (both physical and mental), I’ve decided to make the unwritten rules of this sacred space public.

Consider this your guide, a public service announcement for anyone who dares to enter my culinary domain. Read carefully. There will not be a quiz, but there might be passive-aggressive sighs if you fail to comply.

1. The Dishwasher Is Not a Storage Unit

I know it looks like a clean, empty box. I know it seems like a convenient place to put a bowl after a late-night snack. But I promise you, it is not a cabinet. If the dishwasher door is ajar, it’s because it’s full of dirty dishes. If the dishwasher door is closed, it’s because it’s full of clean dishes. To avoid the tragic mistake of putting a dirty plate on top of a clean one, please, just ask. Or better yet, look inside.

2. The Sink Is Not a Landfill

I love you, but the sink is not the place where dishes go to die. It’s a place for rinsing, for pre-soaking, and for a very short-term layover on their way to the dishwasher. Piling a mountain of plates, glasses, and silverware in the sink is a direct violation of this rule. It blocks access to the faucet, making it impossible for anyone else to do anything. Your empty cereal bowl is not a sacred relic that must be preserved in the basin for all time.

3. The Leftovers Have a Life Cycle

That container of leftover pasta from Tuesday? It had a good run. It served us well. But now, it’s reached the end of its life cycle. It has a smell, a texture, and a vague sense of unease about it. Please do not simply push it to the back of the fridge to be discovered a month later. If you are not going to eat it, it is your responsibility to dispose of it. The fridge is not a graveyard for forgotten meals.

4. There Is Only One Way to Close the Tupperware

This is a delicate and highly specific rule. The lid goes on top. Then, you press down on all four sides until you hear a series of satisfying clicks. If you put the lid on and it’s wobbly or loose, you have not sealed it. This is not a suggestion; it’s a science. A poorly sealed container leads to spills, food spoilage, and a deep, simmering frustration.

5. Don’t Drink from the Carton

This is a simple rule with a big impact. Whether it’s milk, juice, or that carton of iced coffee, please pour your drink into a glass. Drinking directly from the carton is a form of betrayal. It suggests a level of intimacy with the beverage that is frankly, a little weird. Plus, it makes it impossible for anyone else to feel good about drinking from it. Just use a glass.

Thank you for your cooperation in making my kitchen a safe and orderly place. By following these simple rules, you can ensure that our time together is filled with good food and good company, rather than arguments about soggy cereal bowls and mystery smells.

What are some of the unwritten rules in your kitchen? Share them in the comments below!